ARIES (MARCH 21 – APRIL 20)You will walk a mile in someone else’s shoes. That experience will open your eyes to new places, places like prison after you’re arrested for stealing shoes.
TAURUS (APRIL 21 – MAY 21)Every breath you take, every move you make, every bond you break, every step you take, I’ll be watching you. I swear to God I’m only quoting the lyrics of a Police song. Please, don’t actually call the police.
GEMINI (MAY 22 – JUNE 22)So you have an apparent party boat, huh? Tell me, is it as “pimped out” as Air Force One is?
CANCER (JUNE 23 – JULY 23)My you’re a mighty fine bongo player. And a comedian. Using your beer gut to plays “drums” makes those around you laugh, a little disgustedly, though. I’m not going to lie. Just sayin’ …
LEO (JULY 24 – AUG. 23) Lying on a job application is a sin. So is cat juggling. So when you apply for the circus, don’t lie about being able to cat juggle. You probably won’t get the job. And how embarrassing will it be to tell mom that even the circus didn’t want you?
VIRGO (AUG. 24 – SEPT. 23) A package will arrive for you. Don’t open it unless you want to have to deal with sea monkeys – the AMAZING kind.
LIBRA (SEPT. 24 – OCT. 23)Thirsty? Why wait? You will be the recipient of a gift that turns out to be a flask belt buckle. Just don’t show anyone or the term white trash might get thrown around a little. Not that I know from experience or anything …
SCORPIO (OCT. 24 – NOV. 22)Life may be beating you down – so much that you’ve lost your edge – but not to worry. Only 64 day left ’til the end of the semester. Feels like it’s right just around the corner … right? After that, you’re free to eat canned tamales all day.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 23 – DEC. 22)For you, waking up with “The View” might be considered waking up with “a bunch of hot babes.” But when you wake up and watch “Dawson’s Creek,” it’s a little creepy to say you’ve woken up with the most beautiful kids from Capeside.
CAPRICORN (DEC. 23 – JAN. 19) A palm reader will tell you that you will contract an STD. Don’t act surprised, you dirty jezebel. You had it coming.
AQUARIUS (JAN. 20 – FEB. 19) Don’t read last week’s horoscope. Something changed for you, Aquarius. You aren’t sedentary – you wrote a letter about me. But bland? Well … Hey, Joe Lobo just reports what the stars say. And this is what they tell me about you every week, Aquarius. Thanks for the letter. PISCES (FEB. 20 – MARCH 20)Some people say you’re crazy, a little out there. But we both know the real deal – you are crazy. Swazye crazy. And that’s a good disease to be diagnosed with.
