ARIES (MARCH 21 – APRIL 20)You know how you’ve been avoiding Aquarius? You might want to rethink that choice, because word on the street is, he’s your father. And mother.
TAURUS (APRIL 21 – MAY 21)Do Not Forget This: The walk of shame is no fun. Trust me. Now, the Stride of Pride is a whole ‘nother story. Again, trust me.
GEMINI (MAY 22 – JUNE 22)A career change will find you. In three-and-a-half years, you will no longer be the mayor of New Orleans. And Joe Lobo III will no longer be depressed. That chrome dome of yours will sure be missed, though. Oh well.
CANCER (JUNE 23 – JULY 23)The days are getting shorter and it’s not likely to get above 100 degrees any more this year. That is no excuse to wear your furry Uggs. They were tolerable last season, but you are not an Inuit.
LEO (JULY 24 – AUG. 23) When your grandmother laughed at you for straining to pick up a gallon of milk, you should’ve sucked it up and used that as strength. Because you obviously need it.
VIRGO (AUG. 24 – SEPT. 23) Just read last week’s horoscope, Virgo. Nothing ever changes for you. You are as exciting as Liza Minelli’s wedding night.
LIBRA (SEPT. 24 – OCT. 23)Okay, Libra. I know Quill’s is your second home, but midterms are next week. It’s time to figure out where Loyola keeps its library books.
SCORPIO (OCT. 24 – NOV. 22)You know what Bobby McFerrin would say? Don’t worry. Be happy. Because after all, it was only a minor flesh wound.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 23 – DEC. 22)You will soon discover that your life’s ambition is to be a Catholic schoolteacher. Don’t fight it. You know you want to listen to screaming children every day for the next 40 years. After all, they’re just angelic little cherubs.
CAPRICORN (DEC. 23 – JAN. 19) You will trip, and in an instant you’ll realize, maybe wearing heels wasn’t such a good idea. That and the whole being a dude thing, you know.
AQUARIUS (JAN. 20 – FEB. 19) This is the dawning of your age, Aquarius. It will be truly glorious – peace will guide the planet, love will steer the stars, and a no-longer virginal Steve Carrell will frolic in the field of your dreams. PISCES (FEB. 20 – MARCH 20)Is the light no longer shining in your life? Is your world dark and muggy? It’s a sign, Pisces: Entergy could use some lovin’. For real.
