ARIES (MARCH 21 – APRIL 20)Are those new threads? You’ve been shopping again, haven’t you? So I guess they left the dumpster behind Wal-Mart unlocked again, huh?
TAURUS (APRIL 21 – MAY 21)You never close your eyes anymore, when I kiss your lips. And there’s no tenderness like before in your fingertips. That’s the reason you need to put a heater in your house. You’re like an icicle.
GEMINI (MAY 22 – JUNE 22)Deck the halls with Miller Lite cans. Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. No one’s judging your religious beliefs.
CANCER (JUNE 23 – JULY 23)Just keep walking, don’t turn around, and ignore that potted plant that has feet. There is absolutely, positively nothing wrong with this scene.
LEO (JULY 24 – AUG. 23) When you were “in the club” getting’ down, we were laughing it up. I just had to come clean. Happy New Year!
VIRGO (AUG. 24 – SEPT. 23) Don’t you want a Fanta? Don’t you wanna, wanna Fanta? Yum. Sorry, I just drank it.
LIBRA (SEPT. 24 – OCT. 23)Loving you is easy ’cause you’re beautiful. And every time that you … oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Damn, I look good in a mirror.
SCORPIO (OCT. 24 – NOV. 22)It’s been real; it’s been fun. But now Joe Lobo III must bid you farewell, for greater adventures are calling, and I must answer them. Gotta run, I see a hobo chasing a garbage truck. Let the adventures begin. Read Joe Lobo IV in the spring.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 23 – DEC. 22)Get over yourself, your birthday was last week. It’s not my fault your parents forgot. Or that you were an accident.
CAPRICORN (DEC. 23 – JAN. 19) Your birthday, on the other hand, is coming up. Because of this, we’ll leave you alone. Just make sure to leave your house with your underwear on.
AQUARIUS (JAN. 20 – FEB. 19) OK, so maybe YOU bathe, but I swear, there are some of you who just don’t, you know, wash yourself. And that’s fine. Except for when I’m downwind. PISCES (FEB. 20 – MARCH 20)Stacy said things went better after your recent heart-to-heart talk. He’s been feeling more secure about his name. Whatever you said sure did work. But he’d like one more thing to cheer his hear: diamonds. Hey, I’m just the messenger. Merry Christmas.
