ARIES (MARCH 21 – APRIL 20)Sure, Aries, you just “forgot” to change out of that Pierre Cardin suit at JC Penny last week when you walked out of the store. You might want to “forget” to change out of a pair of Air Jordans and run from the police. I hear you’re a wanted soul.
TAURUS (APRIL 21 – MAY 21)Do you remember when we used to dance? And incident arose from circumstance. One thing led to another; we were young. And we would sing together songs unsung. ::Clap, clap:: It was the heat of the moment.
GEMINI (MAY 22 – JUNE 22)When you call the SPCA on your neighbor for his barking dog, you’ll be surprised to find out it’s actually your neighbor practicing barking for the World Barking Competition.
CANCER (JUNE 23 – JULY 23)GET OFF THE SHED! GET OFF THE SHED! SERIOUSLY, YOU’RE DENTING THE ROOF! GET OFF THE SHED!
LEO (JULY 24 – AUG. 23) I have a message from R. Stewart … no, that’s too obvious. It’s a message from Rod S. He wants you to know, “You fill my heart with gladness, take away all my sadness, ease my troubles, that’s what you do. Except for when you track dirt into the house, so wipe your shoes, dude.”
VIRGO (AUG. 24 – SEPT. 23) Looking for that excuse you needed to have a party? Buy a pool-side fountain, there’s no better reason in the world.
LIBRA (SEPT. 24 – OCT. 23)Milk: It does a body good. Beef: It’s what’s for dinner. Green beans: They’re green.
SCORPIO (OCT. 24 – NOV. 22)The DMV is apparently closed for Veterans Day for four days. That sounds like your ideal job. Either that or being an on-air personality on QVC.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 23 – DEC. 22)Hey, psst. Look over here. I see you. Wait, don’t turn around. I’m really not following you. No, don’t walk to the bushes, walk AWAY from the bushes. Oh geez, gotta go …
CAPRICORN (DEC. 23 – JAN. 19) Jesus was born a Capricorn. This doesn’t make you the Christ Incarnate. If you were, you would not be an acceptable donation to Toys for Tots. See the Howls and Growls, please.
AQUARIUS (JAN. 20 – FEB. 19) The Age of Aquarius is over. Take a bath, hippie. PISCES (FEB. 20 – MARCH 20)Stacy told me what happened when you went to get the package. Didn’t you read last week “don’t laugh at his name?” It was a long day last Saturday when Stacy would not hang up the phone. I had to hear so many tears fall on the phone, it wasn’t even funny. Oh, and how’d you like the package?
