ARIES (MARCH 21 – APRIL 20)Remember: Just because you danced on a queen, it doesn’t make you her princess. That position has been filled by me. Also remember: She doesn’t like to share the spotlight, especially if you only tip a dollar.
TAURUS (APRIL 21 – MAY 21)Your dream of being the next Lord of the Dance was crushed when your dream of being totally rad by wearing flip-flops backfires and you step on a nail. Oh well, at least Lord of the Tetanus Shots is an attainable goal for you to reach.
GEMINI (MAY 22 – JUNE 22)You better watch out, you better not cry. You better not pout, I’m telling you why: Santa Clause doesn’t like whiny kids, so he sure as hell doesn’t like whiny mayors. Love ya, Ray Nagin.
CANCER (JUNE 23 – JULY 23)Your arch-nemesis wound up behind you in the security line at the airport terminal. Obviously not EVERYONE hates you since the knife was eventually confiscated. Someone’s looking out for you, buddy.
LEO (JULY 24 – AUG. 23) Fame and fortune will find you when you invent the “Don’t Ever Need to Walk Again” machine. You’ll lose the fortune when the inventor of the rolling office chair files suit against you for stealing his ideas. Watch that money roll right out the door … much like you rolled around on an office chair.
VIRGO (AUG. 24 – SEPT. 23) Your Thanksgiving was crushed when it looked like your turkey was crushed also. Tofurkey doesn’t, in fact, look like turkey. It looks like crushed … meat. Yum, huh?
LIBRA (SEPT. 24 – OCT. 23)I’m a lumberjack, and I’m OK. You’re libra, and this week you’re sedentary and bland. Just read last week’s horoscope.
SCORPIO (OCT. 24 – NOV. 22)Sometimes when we touch, the artistry’s too much. And I have to … hey, stop laughing. You know you feel it too. I hate you. I hate you, Ron Burgundy – I HATE YOU! POOP MOUTH!
SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 23 – DEC. 22)Hey, psst. Look over here. I see you. Wait, don’t turn around. I’m really not following you. No, don’t walk to the bushes, walk AWAY from the bushes. Oh geez, gotta run …
CAPRICORN (DEC. 23 – JAN. 19) When you travel to Goodwill to try and acquire a new style, you’ll have failed when you accidentally buy your grandpa’s leisure suit. Buddy, you’re no John Travolta. But hey, it’s the effort that counts. And that’s all we care about.
AQUARIUS (JAN. 20 – FEB. 19) The Age of Aquarius is over. And you still need to take a bath, hippie. PISCES (FEB. 20 – MARCH 20)It’s almost Christmas time, the season of giving. Stacey gave you that package, and you gave him a hard time about his name. I think it’s time you give him a little love. Only a suggestion, but keep it in mind.
