ARIES (MARCH 21 – APRIL 20) Is that Old Spice you’re wearing? The scent is bewitching.

TAURUS (APRIL 21 – MAY 21) I wasn’t kidding about what I said last week. Seriously, don’t go anywhere alone with that guy. Have a nice week, Taurus.

GEMINI (May 22 – JUNE 22) An undercooked piece of mutton will be your downfall.

CANCER (JUNE 23 – JULY 23) A mysterious package from Chile is coming in the mail for you today. Ninja assassins will soon start following you around.

LEO (JULY 24 – AUG. 23) Wait a minute, who did you say your mother was? It was her? I thought she was the one with the false teeth. No? Her sister? Oh yeah, I remember her. She used to come around all the time. She was something, all right. All the guys and I used to say we’d like to get her drunk and … uh, we’d really like to get to know her as a human being who has intelligent thoughts, deep feelings and high-reaching dreams. Say, uh, you don’t happen to have her number, do you? You can keep my wallet if you give me her number.

VIRGO (AUG. 24 – SEPT. 23) You say the United Arab Emirates, Pakistan, Saudi Arabia and Afghanistan are our friends. You fail to mention that our “friends” in Afghanistan are reverting to their previous savagery regarding their treatment of women, including the recent beheading of a man who “dared” to teach girls. The United Arab Emirates is a staging point for Al Qaeda. Saudi Arabia and Pakistan help the U.S. “only when they feel like it,” though as the Saudi royal family feels more threatened by Al Qaeda and Iran, they are becoming more and more helpful. How much friendlier can the Saudis get with our government? “Brokeback Crawford, Texas” maybe?

LIBRA (SEPT. 24 – OCT. 23) I’m a little worried about you, Libra. I think those mobsters in the Verizon commercial know you’re a mole. Of course, that’s what you get for looking up other horoscopes, you unfaithful bastard!

SCORPIO (OCT. 24 – NOV. 22) Your new toy causes you to laugh out loud, seemingly at random. This scares certain people in the vicinity.

SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 23 – DEC. 22) Something to ponder this week: Do you enjoy free speech and the First Amendment? You can thank Michael Bolton for his courageous effort to ensure we all have the right to speak our minds.

CAPRICORN (DEC. 23 – JAN. 19) You will be traumatized by an encounter with a yo-yo later this week. You will be unable to even look at a yo-yo for months.

AQUARIUS (JAN. 20 – FEB. 19) Just read last week’s horoscope. Nothing ever changes for you, Aquarius. You are sedentary and bland.

PISCES (FEB. 20 – MARCH 20) You have way too much to do, with too little time to do it. Oh, the pressures of being perfect.