Aries (March 21 – April 20)Dungeons & Dragons may seem like a fun weekend activity, but I promise you there is more to life than dragons, wizards and elves. Leave the basement and go meet some people for a change.
Taurus (April 21 – May 21)You know that kid you go to lunch with every day? He’s actually a convicted sex offender. Watch out, Taurus.
Gemini (May 22 – June 22)Sie lieben offensichtlich David Hasselhoff.
Cancer (June 23 – July 23)I have this strange feeling you spent your Mardi Gras break in a very uncomfortable place. Maybe we should talk, but I feel like I should be sending you a few cartons of cigarettes for “currency.”
Leo (July 24 – Aug. 23)You stole my wallet before you left, didn’t you? Don’t think I won’t call the cops on my quasi-illegitimate child. You are just like your mother, if in fact she is who I think she is. Did we ever determine who she was? She had the peg-leg, right?
Virgo (Aug. 24 – Sept. 24)You have officially been diagnosed with OCD (Obsessive Clinton Disorder). If something goes wrong this week, feel free to blame it on Bill. If something terrible happens to you, then there is no one to blame but Hillary. Minor side effects include an inability to blame mistakes on Al Gore, John Kerry or the complete failure to ridicule Al Franken. Don’t worry, these effects should pass with time.
Libra (Sept. 24 – Oct. 23)On Monday, someone will come to you with a fantastic tale about how they spent their weekend. Don’t listen to them; it’s all make-believe, like the Easter Bunny and evolution.
Scorpio (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22)Your roommate owes you money, again. Would you be willing to let him pay off his debt with large quantities of Goldfish and Dr Pepper?
Sagittarius (Nov. 23 – Dec. 22)Your significant other will act irrationally this week, and it will be hard for you to understand his actions. You would be wise to heed the words of a friend: “When a man loves a woman, deep down in his soul … she can bring him such misery, if she is playing him for a fool … he’s the last one to know … loving eyes can never see.”
Capricorn (Dec. 23 – Jan. 19)There are few constants in this world; your inability to make it through the week without annoying someone is one of them.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 19)A strong sense of urgency will … wait a minute, you’re not Capricorn. Just read last week’s horoscope. Nothing ever changes for you, Aquarius. You are sedentary and bland.
Pisces (Feb. 20 – March 20)A Scorpio is going to break your thumbs soon.
