Are you scared of the story next to this column?

Does the fact that a fresh-out-of-college accountant in San Francisco starts off with a salary of $51,000 make you wonder why you didn’t major in business?

Do you fear that you’ll end up working as a cabana boy at your grandparents’ country club, wiping the sweat off of the brows of 50-year-olds who stare at you a little too readily?

Are you a member of the Facebook.com group “I’m failing at life”?

Or, even worse, are you a history or English major?

It sounds like you need some help with your post-college plans.

You’re in luck, because I’m good at pretending to be an expert on most subjects.

I’m particularly interested in the finer points of how to secure a job or internship.

And, as a rule, I only associate with hardworking, professional, honorable people. So I know about getting a job and taking drug tests. It’s probably a good idea to stop doing cocaine now in preparation. I can’t help you get out of that one, loser.

First, let’s talk about your résumé, which I am familiar with because I am in my second year of French.

You may have been told that spelling and grammar are important, but those are mere trifles compared to your overall layout.

I recommend catching the eye of your future employer right away by printing your résumé on special colored paper. Look for a florescent color, like “Taiwan Turquoise” or “Flaming Fuschia.” The more color, the better.

And if you can fit a cartoon character on there, go for it – maybe Goofy or Donald Duck.

Font is important, too. An employer cannot ignore a résumé that’s written entirely in Impact or Papyrus font, point size 24. Bonus points if the text partially obscures the picture of Goofy.

Don’t put your phone number on there, either. Just have an e-mail address where they can reach you. You want these people to work to get your attention, and you don’t need them calling you all the time like you’re skipping your court date or something. That will kill your social life.

Instead, wait about two hours after you send the résumé, then call the recipient four times a day for the next two weeks. Get on a first-name basis with the secretary. Never leave your phone number.

Once you’ve created a certain level of mystique, schedule an interview, unless you’re not allowed to be within 100 feet of the secretary.

Be sure to wear a lot of blue and white eye shadow to the interview. If someone asks about it, tell him that painting clouds on your face makes it easier for you to make it through the day without crying. Then draw clouds on your résumé during the interview.

Also, give lots of hugs.

If they don’t snap you up by then, get your parents to write angry, distraught letters to the organizations you applied to. That’s how I got my summer internship.

No, really. It is.