Your time has come.
You’ve sharpened your Yat speak, you can easily spot the tourists on Bourbon Street wearing full Mardi Gras regalia in the summer, and your Saints fever turned into a lifelong love. Now the Carnival Season awaits as your crowning achievement as a New Orleanian.
Officially starting on Jan. 6, known as Twelfth Night or King’s Day, the Carnival season, for most residents, all comes down to the weekend before Fat Tuesday. To help you prepare for these events, here is The Maroon’s guide before you step out into the untamed festival of Mardi Gras
GETTING STARTED
Arrive early to ensure a curbside view of the parade route, and bring plenty of blankets, lawn chairs and a cooler. Yes, the bars will be open, but don’t get angry once you realize you have emptied your wallet on $5 beers and bottled water.
When you start to get hungry, light up a barbeque and eat with some friends before the crowds swarm in packs in search for the nearest hot dog. Keep your eyes peeled for an open restaurant, or at least the traveling stands offering cheese fries and other festival fare.
PARADE BEHAVIOR
Upon your entry onto the red carpet of Carnival, the parade routes of St. Charles Avenue, be prepared for a sea of flailing hands and red-faced parade-goers, all shouting “Woo!” or a similar incoherent chorale as they surround the area, competing for what you might believe was the most precious of all earthly pleasures. What they will receive is quite the contrary: colored plastic beads manufactured in Taiwanese warehouses.
But this may be the very key to your Mardi Gras existence.
Spring into action with your hand-drawn sign advertising a witty “catch” phrase, but restrain yourself from letting a “Throw me somethin’, mista!” slip past your lips. Please do the nearest pair of ears a favor and avoid this phrase at all costs, unless you’re 4 years old, because then it’s just cute.
Using the sign method will work 10 times more than running after the same float for 15 blocks, embarrassing yourself for purple dice-shaped beads or a fuzzy dinosaur. You could just buy beads in bulk and wear pounds of the multi-colored jewelry as a way to impress the opposite sex as an ostrich would with its display of vibrant plumes. You could be a Mardi Gras ostrich, a regal one indeed.
If beads aren’t your bag, other throw favorites include toy spears and cigars, teddy bears, plastic doubloons, Frisbees, plastic cups and hundreds of other useless novelty items often found inside grocery-store claw vending machines. Instead of toys waiting for you to grab them, Mardi Gras lets the toys come to you. Receiving a plush football from a friendly float-rider is like destiny knocking at your door.
DOs AND DON’Ts
Do not, for any reason, touch or pick up the change thrown at the feet of the Flambeaux carriers. These flaming torch carriers have become a revered group since their inception into nighttime parades. Explaining you’re trying to make change for a dollar will most likely result in your being caught on fire.
Also, climbing a ladder found in the neutral ground will probably anger a few moms and dads, as we all know that atop those ladders sit little throw targets known as children. So sneaking up behind an unsuspecting toddler will guarantee you an excellent spot to catch the next addition to your stuffed animal collection, but Dad might break your face.
Yes, Mardi Gras is a child-safe holiday, and it’s meant to be shared with friends and families, including children and the elderly. So keep them in your bras, ladies. And gentlemen, the pants are to be zipped. If you are inclined to bare some sort of body part during the festivities, join the congregating tourists on Bourbon Street to avoid any sort of indecent exposure charges. The locals will hang their heads in shame, but “Girls Gone Wild” will give you a free T-shirt.
Among such debauchery, it won’t be difficult finding parade-goers vomiting in the streets, urinating in public or punching police horses (or horse-riding police), but try not to mingle. Vomiting and urinating can be done in any of the portable toilets along the parade route, though you’ll most likely end up having to pay a few dollars to use them.
Some vendors offer all-day use of a Port-O-Let for a larger price tag, though you’ll have access to all the hand-sanitizing lotion you could ever need and a fancy wrist-band that you can flaunt with pride. Just tell your friends it’s from a concert or a night club, they’ll never know the difference. Who knew Pot-O-Golds rocked so hard?
If these options don’t work out, carry your own toilet paper and don’t tell anyone about your business.
CARNIVAL HIGHLIGHTS
The Krewe of Hermes kicks off Mardi Gras weekend as per tradition, with the parade, an Uptown staple since 1937, led by a knightly captain riding a white horse. Following Hermes will be Le Krewe d’Etat. Ending the night’s parades will be the Krewe of Morpheus, founded in 2000, offering a more traditional New Orleans parade.
Saturday’s parades begin early, starting at 11 a.m. with the all-female Krewe of Iris, the oldest lady parade in town. Following Iris will be the Krewe of Tucks, its namesake deriving from the bar of the same name (as if you had to guess). Founded by a group of Loyola graduates, Tucks will feature themed floats including “Animal House,” “A Day at the Zoo” and other locally-centered titles.
Closing the evening will be the Krewe of Endymion, featuring Grand Marshall and American Idol-winner Taylor Hicks. The sold-out after party in the Superdome will host recording artists Journey, Styx and R&B legend Al Green, rounding-out the overwhelming whiteness of the other featured musicians.
Sunday morning parades include the Krewe of Okeanos, first riding along St. Claude Avenue in 1949, now an addition to the classic Uptown route. The Krewe of Thoth will follow at 11:30 a.m., riding from a less traditional starting point at Henry Clay Avenue to Magazine Street to Napoleon Avenue, where it will continue to St. Charles Avenue.
The Krewe of Bacchus crowns “The Sopranos'” James Gandolfini as its king, riding the St. Charles Avenue route, throwing the bearded god of wine’s caricatured image on pendants and plastic cups. Other throws will include silver doubloons with a creepy Gandolfini portrait.
According to the krewe’s official Web site, float themes will include polar bears, dragons, cupcakes and sharks. You would be safe to say this may possibly be the strangest parade of the year.
Lundi Gras, the Monday before Fat Tuesday (translated as, oddly enough, Fat Monday), will include the Krewes of Proteus and Orpheus. Orpheus, a much larger parade, rivaling Endymion and Bacchus with its 1,200 member riding “krewe,” honors Harry Connick Jr., Patricia Clarkson and New Orleans Saints’ head coach Sean Payton as its celebrity monarchs.
Finally, Mardi Gras day will begin bright and early at 8 a.m. with the Zulu Social Aid and Pleasure Club, the parade that, for whatever reason, makes it OK for its members to wear blackface makeup, Afro wigs and grass skirts. But they do have a few interesting throws, including the heavily sought-after Zulu coconuts, painted in traditional black and gold, covered with glitter and heavy enough to concuss any unfortunate passers-by. But don’t worry – you’ll never be that lucky. Those coveted coconuts are usually designated for certain individuals prior to the parade’s run.
Rex, the King of the Carnival, will close the Mardi Gras ceremonies, followed by those seemingly never-ending truck parades that drive far too fast and usually throw recycled beads and novelties from years past.
As the parties die down and the hangovers begin, you will be glad Mardi Gras came and went as fast as your daiquiri-induced, float-riding-celebrity obsession. Like your spontaneous fanaticism, the Carnival season is a fleeting, yet fun opportunity to rejoice among your fellow New Orleanians.
And if you didn’t catch this years’ Endymion Frisbee, there’s always next year. Check the truck parades.
Alex Woodward can be reached at [email protected].
