ARIES (MARCH 21 – APRIL 20)Janice Litman Goralnik née Hosenstein. That’s right. Janice from “Friends.” That’s how you laugh, and we all hate it. So pipe down already. Be normal. Tonight: Oh … my … God …

TAURUS (APRIL 21 – MAY 21) You were working as a waitress in a cocktail bar when I met you. Don’t you want me, baby? Don’t you want me, ohooohhh? Eww, gross. Stop touching yourself. Tonight: Take the cat out of the washing machine.

GEMINI (MAY 22 – JUNE 22)You’ll stand in line at Starbucks behind Ray Nagin. You will use the shine on his bald head as a mirror to put on your lipstick. His bodyguard then punches you because you aren’t female. Tonight: Easy, breezy …

CANCER (JUNE 23 – JULY 23)It’s sad you don’t have time to go buy light bulbs and have to move the one light bulb you have from room to room. Tonight: CVS, ASAP.

LEO (JULY 24 – AUG. 23)That leaky pipe above your toilet really sucks. You know what also sucks? That plastic bag you have to wear over your head to avoid getting wet when you have to go number two. Tonight: It could be poopy water.

VIRGO (AUG. 24 – SEPT. 23)Attention old people: Stop all the downloadin’. Seriously, the Devil is not on the Internet, it’s more likely to be in your healthcare plan. Did someone say “colostomy bag?” Tonight: Smile, those dentures are locked too tight.

LIBRA (SEPT. 24 – OCT. 23)Wrap bubble wrap around your head and then have your friends punch you in the face. Oops, forgot to tell you to wrap your face. Tonight: When you see that strip club, keep walking. She’ll only break your heart. Again.

SCORPIO (OCT. 24 – NOV. 22)You know how you think it’s cute whenever you save something on your Mac, and it goes “bing,” you say Chandler right before. Chandler “bing.” Tonight: Not cute.

SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 23 – DEC. 22)Checking your boyfriend’s phone for mysterious text messages is great until you find one from his ex saying, “I love you, too.” Then you’ll commit murder. Tonight: You + vodka = BFF.

CAPRICORN (DEC. 23 – JAN. 19)”Can you pay my bills? Can you pay my telephone bills? Can you pay my automo’bills?” No, because you need a job. So you and me are through. Tonight: Kicked out of the group.

AQUARIUS (JAN. 20 – FEB. 19)Your new vegetarianism doesn’t work well with Taco Bell, so keep that to yourself before your house is set on fire by the Animal Liberation Fund. Just tell them you love puppies, and then you can all eat vegan sundaes. Tonight: Taco Bell, but shhh.

PISCES (FEB. 20 – MARCH 20)Face it: You’re a mouth-breather. Focus more on your restless legs syndrome, because it’s more attractive to tell people you have RLS than chronic halitosis. Tonight: “Soul Plane.”