In the year and a half that I’ve written this column, I’ve avoided giving advice because quite simply, there are very few subjects I can offer authoritative guidance on. However, Mardi Gras has been a part of me for 20 years, and through the guiding hand of my grandmother Ethel, I have become an expert at catching throws.

For Ethel, catching beads, doubloons and stuffed animals isn’t a recreational activity, but a mission. To her, our success isn’t measured by income or living situation, but how many throws have accumulated in our houses.

Catching throws is an art that few can master, like oil painting or doing multiple tequila shots. But while mastery is a lofty and probably unachievable ambition, even the crappiest and most unsuccessful catcher can improve and catch a coveted prize.

Since most of the parade krewes are male, admittedly it is much easier for girls to be successful. However, even females can flounder.

While it is impractical to wear revealing clothing with the cold weather that usually afflicts New Orleans during the Mardi Gras season, sometimes sacrifices have to be made. Ladies, abandon that parka for a nice top and skirt, and while pumps are ideal, I don’t want to recommend them and be held responsible for any broken ankles.

Although dressing sexy can be successful, inarguably the most successful means to receive that ideal throw is to lift up your shirt. However, exposure is something that should be limited to dorm rooms and porno videos, especially if you are reveling on the Uptown parade route. Uptown, like Disney World, is a family place, and you wouldn’t flash in front of Mickey and Minnie, would you?

For gentlemen, simply being male does not mean that you are forced to watch your girlfriends catch all the beads while you tragically nurse a beer. To catch throws, and really in any social situation, the running wild and looking pretty impulse says to stand out. Wear a costume, dance in the street, flirt, scream, get drunk, be obscene.

The most important thing is to stand out. Get the riders’ attentions by any means possible. Boys, if you don’t think you’re worthy of those throws, then neither will the riders.

If for some bizarre reason you are unable to stand out, stand next to someone who does, and use Ethel’s preferred method of tackling them and yanking their prizes from their shocked fingers.

No throw is safe from Ethel.