ARIES (MARCH 21 – APRIL 20)Mid-terms are over, you’ve finished your research paper, now take a shower. You smell. Tonight: Lots of soap. Do your laundry, too. Sweat stains are so sixth grade.
TAURUS (APRIL 21 – MAY 21) God gave rock and roll to you. God gave rock and roll to everyone. Except to people who listen to rock and roll. Satan endorses all music. Tonight: KISS fan club.
GEMINI (MAY 22 – JUNE 22)I know you’re excited about the Tennessee Williams Festival, but don’t run around shouting “Stella!” with a full bladder. Tonight: Your own “Summer on the Lake.” In your pants. What I mean is you’ll pee your pants.
CANCER (JUNE 23 – JULY 23)Sitting in the dark while listening to doom metal may not be the most ideal Saturday night, but that’s why we love you. Tonight: We bought you a puppy. Don’t eat it.
LEO (JULY 24 – AUG. 23)Heather Mills joined “Dancing with The Stars” as a publicity stunt to garner sympathy after her recent divorce from Paul McCartney. Tonight: This isn’t a horoscope – this just needed to be said.
VIRGO (AUG. 24 – SEPT. 23)Your boyfriend looks like a former professor. Don’t worry about the look alike. Worry about accidentally begging your guy for an A during more tender moments. Tonight: Write that paper. WRITE IT. LIBRA (SEPT. 24 – OCT. 23)So you’ve been trying to lose weight before you hit the beach. Flintstone vitamins and Gatorade won’t help much. Tonight: Try Centrum Silver and Mountain Dew instead.
SCORPIO (OCT. 24 – NOV. 22)You look like a mushroom. I’m pretty sure that haircut ceased production while the Caesar took off. Tonight: Flannel shirts and jean shorts.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 23 – DEC. 22)If you keep locking yourself out of your house, you’re going to run out of wire hangers. Just imagine what life would be like without them. Tonight: No more wire hangers. Ever.
CAPRICORN (DEC. 23 – JAN. 19)Stop drinking Caffeine-Free Diet Coke. It’s pointless brown water, and you have enough of that coming out of your sink. Tonight: Seriously, what’s the point of this?
AQUARIUS (JAN. 20 – FEB. 19)There’s a cicada in your house. It’s big. Wear thick shoes. Tonight: Sleep with thick socks. And a can of bug spray. That thing is freakin’ huge.
PISCES (FEB. 20 – MARCH 20)Using steroids will make you turn into the Hulk. You won’t be green, but you’ll be angry and shriveled. Tonight: Stock plenty of purple sweat pants and white shirts.
