Since infancy, we have watched the Spring Break exploits of co-eds on MTV. However, Carson Daly’s narration of the tropical weather, wet T-shirt contests and Say What Karaoke does not sufficiently prepare students for the party that is Spring Break.
Like oil painting, there is a craft to a successful Spring Break that must be mastered to avoid a spring broken.
• DO NOT bleach your hair before leaving. Don’t do it yourself. Don’t get it professionally done, not even by Edward Scissorhands himself. Just don’t bleach your hair.
Many have the misconception that highlights and bleaching offer a youthful, summeresque appearance.
They don’t.
Highlights and bleaching are more for the “I’m auditioning for a pop group circa 1998” types. Welcome to Spring Break 2007.
• DO NOT forget to purchase your refreshments before leaving New Orleans. Tobacco and alcohol are cheaper here than in most states, and as hard as it is to believe, some places are “dry” on Sundays. Whatever that means.
• DO NOT go to Panama City Beach. PCB is the TJ Quills of Spring Break locales. If you’re going that far into Florida, you might as well leave the Panhandle. Take the extra few hours to get to Tampa, West Palm Beach or Miami.
•DO NOT become the Spring Break hermit. The hermit returns home from break looking paler than before he left. Unable to find his place in the sun, the hermit remains in the hotel room for five days watching “The Price Is Right” and reading Harry Potter.
People are still coming on down, and Bob has that grin, and while you may want to catch up on Harry’s exploits before the last installment is released in July, this is Spring Break, not literacy week. Besides, chances are 20 of you will be crammed into one room.
Get out. Stretch your legs. Do something you won’t remember and probably won’t want to remember.
• DO NOT lift up your white t-shirt for “Girls Gone Wild.” In three months while Grandma sits at her nursing home watching “Montel,” a commercial will air with you as the star, sticking your tongue out with “ONLY $9.99” photoshopped across your breasts.
• DO NOT bring tanning oil. Throw it away, feed it to your dog, use it to fry chicken – do anything with it but put it on your skin. Your skin is a certain color for a reason – it fits the rest of your features.
A little natural darkening looks healthy, and well, natural. Oil tanning morphs you into a geriatric Ooompa Loompa.
• DO NOT have sex on the beach. It seems so romantic – crashing surf, ocean breezes, moonlight, and your passion. It’s been done in every Danielle Steel novel and by countless crabs and sea turtles. If you’ve ever actually walked on a beach, you know that sand has a habit of lodging in your shoe …
Please regard this guide. Tape it to your dashboard. Put it in your picnic basket. Use it as a bookmark. Wrap it around that handle of tequila. Regard it at all times.
Our professors encourage us to study history because history repeats itself. Learn from the mistakes of countless others who have been spring broken.
If not, I will see your burned, blond, chafed butt on some DVD for $9.99.
Justin Templet can be reached at [email protected].
