Breakups are in this season. If you’d like to be part of the hottest growing trend, you must brutally and suddenly end your relationship with your significant other without providing warning or reason. In order to be on top of the trend you must be as cold-hearted and selfish as possible. Never give direct answers, and never answer your phone for them (but make sure you call your ex sporadically to ensure they can’t forget about you, although you no longer want them).
Forget skinny jeans and structured handbags, because this season’s hottest accessory is a cold heart. It gives the breaker-upper such satisfaction to watch the one they supposedly loved go through the agony of separation. Some breakups are pretty low. I believe there should be a breakup set of rules never to be broken; in fact, they should be made law.
Law No. 1: Never say, “I love you, but …” If you really loved the other person, you wouldn’t be breaking up in the first place, and the truth is, telling them you love them now means absolutely nothing.
Law No. 2: Never use the dreaded words, “I still want to be friends.” Everyone knows you cannot be friends. Historically it has never worked. Don’t lead the other person on; if you’re going to do it, make it a clean break.
Law No. 3: Never say, “It’s not you, it’s me.” This is a common breakup lie everyone has heard (or been told). Obviously it wasn’t you, it was them. Don’t sugarcoat it to make the speech easier, it just annoys the other person.
Words of wisdom to the victim: Breakups are definitive decisions. You cannot negotiate your way out of a breakup. When someone says they don’t want to be with you, they mean just that – don’t read into it. Do not beg and plead for them back because after all, trendsetters thrive on this type of thing. If you walk away with nothing else (and I do mean nothing else, because most likely your ex will hold your possessions captive), you can still walk away with your dignity.
Speaking of possessions, why is it so hard to retrieve your things after a breakup? If you were truly so horrible to be with, why does the other person want to be reminded of you daily by having souvenirs of your relationship hanging around their house? The smart thing to do is to slowly start moving things out the instant you feel tension in the air, for it will be the last time to claim your belongings without hassle.
It is only natural to feel heartbroken. I’m not referring to the type of heartbreak you initially feel when your ex decides to fill you in that the relationship is over. No, I’m referring to the nauseating feeling you get when realizing you’ve trained your ex to be the best boyfriend or girlfriend ever for their next unsuspecting victim.
For you trendsetters who cannot possible understand this, I’ll paint you a picture. You get a dog. You really love your dog. You take your dog under your wing and train him to be the best dog he can be. You teach your dog everything he needs to know. Out of the blue your dog runs away. You feel heartbroken that your loyal dog ran away, but even more heartbroken knowing someone else will find your perfectly trained dog and love him only because of the fruits of your labor.
It may be the season for heartbreaks, but it is also the season for spring cleaning. You should start with your phone. Delete your ex’s number, old voicemails and text messages (it may be fun, however, to review them one last time for a good laugh). Next, rid your closet of their clothes, because after all, do you really still want their ratty high school gym shorts? Finally, dispose of all photographs of your ex. This may be hard at first, but once your spring cleaning is complete, you will feel liberated.
Whether you’re into trends this season or trying to avoid them, this should help predict what to expect from the other party. For those of you who fall victim to the breakup trend, don’t get bitter – get better. Just do what I did – join the “I’m in love with your best friend” trend.
Rita West is a mass communication sophomore from Kenner.
