As a college student, it’s highly unlikely that you attended the 1969 Woodstock Music and Art Festival.

Except for that one 58-year-old who refuses to graduate (seriously, it’s been 37 years), the experience has been lost. Grace Slick has been abandoned for Fergie, who leaves behind broken dreams of outdoor festival bliss in her well-endowed and Fergalicious wake.

Fear not, deprived Maroon readers; there is still a sanctuary where hippies and yuppies, old and young, can rejoice together – The 2007 New Orleans Jazz and Heritage Festival. Despite the temptation of commercialism, Jazz Fest remains a true New Orleans tradition that offers something for every musical and personal interest. However, the devil lurks behind the Acura Stage and Port-O-Lets, coaxing naive Jazz Fest virgins to a life of sin. We at the Maroon Church are here to guide you on the right path. Enter his house (the New Orleans Fair Grounds) and praise his name (Jazz Fest).Congregation, turn to page one of your prayer books…

IN THE BEGINNING

The first Jazz Fest occurred in 1970 at Congo Square in Louis Armstrong Park. When an impromptu second-line led by Mahalia Jackson and Duke Ellington began, so did the spirit of the New Orleans Jazz and Heritage Festival

Jazz Fest is a celebration of New Orleans. Of its food. Of its music. Of its culture. And most importantly, of its people.

Although only about 350 people attended the first Jazz Fest, its spirit became celebrated. Two years later, the Festival was moved to its current location at the Fair Grounds due to increasing crowds.

In the 1980s and 90s, Jazz Fest gained national acclaim, with more than 300,000 people attending.

With twelve stages, the Fest continues to grow, always retaining its New Orleans soul.

GET IT READY

Jazz Fest is an event that requires both physical and mental preparation: It will almost assuredly be hot. Not simply uncomfortable, but down right miserable. Foolish is the man who wears jeans to Jazz Fest. Dress appropriately with clothes that are practical rather than sexy. You can find a date at a party or through one of those 1-800 telephone-dating services. Stick to light colored shorts and cotton shirts. Bring sunscreen by the gallons. Leave the tanning oil at home with the cute clothes that you are encouraged not to wear. Jazz Fest is held at a racetrack, not a park or indoor stadium. There is minimal shelter and hardly any trees. Trees are hazardous to racetracks. Horses run into trees. Disclaimer: Regardless of if you use SPF 1000, you will return home looking as if you belong in a Popeye’s extra-crispy three-piece meal. Bring a blanket or one of those collapsible chairs. Standing gets old quickly and the ground is not ideal for sitting, especially if it rains. It seems like a good idea to bring a flag to mark your carefully selected camp so that you can find it after returning from the bathroom or food stand. It isn’t. Everyone has the same idea. Flags bearing everything from our nation’s colors to Daffy Duck flap in the wind as if competing for which is most obnoxious. Leave the flag at home. In fact, what are you doing with a “Looney Tunes” flag in the first place?

Bring plenty of cash. Jazz Fest is a blast until you run out of money on the first weekend. Everything comes at a price.

TOW AWAY ZONE

Parking near the Fairgrounds is improbable, and even if you are able to find a spot, it will cost you $20 to park there. To avoid problems, park further down on Carrollton Avenue and take a bus to the fair grounds. If, for whatever reason, you do find a parking space near the Fairgrounds, do not park in front of a driveway, fire hydrant or on the neutral ground. If you decide to do so, do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Go straight to the impound lot to pick up your spin-wagon.

CUSTOMS

It is easier to get a bomb past security at New Orleans International Airport than trying to sneak food or drinks into Jazz Fest. Your packs, pouches, purses and pockets will all be searched. You can bring in almost anything, but don’t you dare come within 15 feet of the entrance gate with a bottle of Dasani in your hand.

GET YOUR PROGRAMS

After getting past security, you’ll encounter program peddlers who are less interested in selling you a 50-page booklet about Rod Stewart and The Dirty Dozen Brass Band than what they snuck past security. They want your money in exchange for something else that’s green … just walk past them and they will immediately become distracted by the guy in dreadlocks behind you.

PLAY THAT MUSIC

Jazz Fest is divided between two weekends and 12 stages. Unless you practice astral projection, it is impossible to see every act. If you want to see popular performers like Van Morrison or Rod Stewart, set your camp near the Acura Stage early since the crowd usually becomes thick hours before the set begins. While it’s okay to leave your post to go to one of the other stages or to grab food, make sure that someone is always supervising the spot. It isn’t uncommon to be burned by a neighbor’s cigarette or to be blinded by middle-aged flashers. Brad Paisley, ZZ Top, John Mayer and Harry Connick, Jr. will also be featured on the main Acura Stage and will receive the aforementioned flashing. Perennial favorites Better than Ezra, Cowboy Mouth and Galactic return this year. Locals love these homegrown bands, but crowds aren’t usually severe. While Better than Ezra can play their alternative hits and New Orleans odes without interference, Festgoers must choose between Galactic and Cowboy Mouth, who play at the same time. Cowboy Mouth returns every year and never fails to impress, assuredly concluding with an epic 10-minute rendition of “Jenny Says.” The AIG Gospel Tent offers patrons a soulful alternative while the AT&T/ WWOZ Jazz Tent delivers brassy and classy jazz groups like Kermit Ruffins & the Barbeque Swingers. Don’t leave the Fair Grounds without seeing the New Orleans Mardi Gras Indian Rhythm Section. Their energy is infectious and causes anyone to join in a ritualistic rain dance.

FACILITIES

At some point throughout the six days comprising Jazz Fest, you’ll have to use the restroom. While Port-O-Lets are littered across the Fair Grounds, lesser-known and far more desirable bathrooms are available in the Grandstand. A glance inside the Grandstand reveals pristine, air-conditioned restrooms with actual toilets, mirrors and sinks. Be sure to take advantage of these accommodations; that is, unless you enjoy stepping over others’ waste in a 2×2 yellow hellhole.

GO IN PEACE

Only through a successful Jazz Fest can you achieve salvation. Eat the $8 cup of gumbo. Avoid naked old women. Do the Cuban Shuffle with the Indian Rhythm Section. Only then will you be saved. Can I get an amen?

Justin Templet can be reached at [email protected]