Aries (21 Mar. – 20 Apr.) What is that bewitching scent you have on? Perhaps it’s the smell of impending success with the ladies. Foresight suggests that maybe putting the entire bottle of Axe body spray on isn’t such a good idea. But, hey, it worked in the commercials, right?

Taurus (21 Apr. – 21 May) Taurus means “bull,” which is fitting, because that’s what you’re full of, Taurus! You say you didn’t take the last Dr. Pepper from the refrigerator, but I know. Oh, how I know! Remember this, Taurus: I know where you sleep.

Gemini (22 May – 22 June) A surprisingly nice week lies ahead … considering what Scorpio is going to do to you next week.

Cancer (23 June – 23 July) Don’t believe the lies, Cancer. She never really loved you. She loved your car. Once you sold the Camaro, it was all downhill from there. Did you really expect her to ride on your Vespa? Smooth move, champ.

Leo (24 July – 23 Aug.) Listen Leo, I don’t know how to put this, but you’re really an Aquarius. Your parents forged your birth certificate to help push you up a grade. I’m sorry you had to find out like this, but your parents felt it was best coming from me, your real father.

Virgo (24 Aug. – 23 Sep.) Duck … seriously, watch out … Libra is coming for you.

Libra (24 Sep. – 23 Oct.) You have a lot of pent-up rage. At some point this week, a Virgo is going to push you too far. Remember to be gentle. After all, the astrological goal for Libra is witness to the importance of co-operation and harmony in human life. No low blows.

Scorpio (24 Oct. – 22 Nov.) If you like Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain; If you’re not into yoga, if you have half-a-brain; If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape; Capricorn’s the lady you’ve looked for, write to her and escape. No, this isn’t the “Pina Colada Song,” it’s really your horoscope. Sagittarius (23 Nov. – 22 Dec.) Michael Bolton. Michael Bolton. Michael Bolton. Michael Bolton. Michael Bolton. Michael Bolton. Urkel.

Capricorn (23 Dec. – 19 Jan.) You know what sucks about being a Capricorn? Nothing. Life is good.

Aquarius (20 Jan. – 19 Feb.) Just read last week’s horoscope. Nothing ever changes for you, Aquarius. You are sedentary and bland.

Pisces (20 Feb. – 20 Mar.) What do you know about chocolate, Pisces? You take the dark chocolate and the milk, you mix them together and you get a delicious drink. Stock tip: invest in Ovaltine.