ARIES (MARCH 21 – APRIL 20)Midterm, research paper, midterm, midterm, group project. This week’s schedule will destroy your insides. Tonight: Sleep when you’re dead.
TAURUS (APRIL 21 – MAY 21)Your car flooded from this week’s rain. Now you’re fighting an endless struggle against mildew. Tonight: Three cans of Resolve.
GEMINI (MAY 22 – JUNE 22)Your neighbor’s cat left you a present. Not the good kind. That squirrel is in a better place. Tonight: Put the SPCA on speed dial. This is not the last time.
CANCER (JUNE 23 – JULY 23)Vegetarian po-boys exist? Maybe being a vegetarian won’t be so hard after all. Tonight: Fried shrimp po-boys. I mean mushrooms. Or oysters. Roast beef.
LEO (JULY 24 – AUG. 23)With Halloween just around the corner, you need to find the perfect costume. Tonight: Fake mustaches are a good place to start.
VIRGO (AUG. 24 – SEPT. 23)Start a cult. Make money. Pay student loans. Genius? Yes, but you’re not going to be the coolest guy on campus or anything. Tonight: Dianetics.
LIBRA (SEPT. 24 – OCT. 23)Celebrate your birthday with a three-day Voodoo Fest pass. Tell your parents they owe you one. Tonight: Credit card bill? I have no idea what you’re talking about.
SCORPIO (OCT. 24 – NOV. 22)Why is it that people and things in bee costumes never fail to be cute? Tonight: Give some help to Leo. Bees aren’t seen enough in mustaches.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 23 – DEC. 22)Can’t seem to shake those caffeine withdrawal headaches? Remove the coffee syringe from your thigh. Tonight: Eat fruit.
CAPRICORN (DEC. 23 – JAN. 19)So you lost the FAFSA database. Maybe now is a good time to cash those Coke rewards points for a weekend getaway. Tonight: Watch out for the irate Louisiana college students.
AQUARIUS (JAN. 20 – FEB. 19)Dennis Kucinich owns a pocket-sized constitution. You don’t wear pants. Coincidence? Tonight: No pants is a sometimes thing only.
PISCES (FEB. 20 – MARCH 20)Who is going to win? Boasso? Jindal? If you think I’m asking you about Dancing with the Stars contestants, please don’t vote. Tonight: Vote, but not for you know who.
