Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 20) Alfred Lord Tennyson once said, “Knowledge comes, but wisdom lingers.” In a similar vein, Screech from “Saved By the Bell” once tipped me $20. I think you know what I’m hinting at here, Aries. Don’t do drugs.

Taurus (Apr. 21 – May 21) I see great things in your future. Great, big things … with giant talons and big pointy teeth and a whip-like tale, and they’re all coming your way. Why don’t you stay inside for a while, OK?

Gemini (May 22 – June 22) Give it up, Tom. Everyone knows you’re wearing a toupee. If you don’t do something soon, a sudden gust of wind is going to cause a very funny, yet horribly embarrassing scene.

Cancer (June 23 – July 23) What kind of a name is Cancer, really? It’s so harsh sounding. Why don’t you just say, “Hi, I was born July 10. My astrological sign is Asian bird flu.” How do you ever get picked up at bars when someone asks you “Hey baby, what’s your sign?” More importantly, how come that line never works for me?

Leo (July 24 – Aug. 23) Oh, thank God! You’re back. I was worried, you know, after last week’s confession. I swear I never knew I had a kid. I barely even remember your mother. I’m kidding, of course. I remember your mother well – she’s the one who tried to steal my watch. So now that the cat’s out of the bag, how about a little father/son bonding? What do you say we go take a paternity test? My lawyer advises me that it’s “totally rad,” or whatever you kids say these days.

Virgo (Aug. 24 – Sep. 23) If you were born Sept. 10, 1949: You will yet again fail to offer a “Fair and Balanced” argument. You will only allow people who agree with you to talk. You will bully any dissenters. You and seven of your dumbest viewers will boycott Vermont. All eight of you will claim that you are one of millions doing the same. You still hate France. The feeling is still mutual. You will continue to bring shame and disrespect to journalists everywhere … or so the stars tell me.

Libra (Sep. 24 – Oct. 23) You may find yourself in police custody for last week’s violent attack on Virgo. If you haven’t been pinched yet, don’t panic, just lie low for awhile. Maybe you should find a safe place.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22) You are perilously close to falling out of that chair.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23 – Dec. 22) Did you know Michael Bolton loves softball? It’s true. Bolton had a great arm and terrific range in the outfield. In 1987, he was drafted by the Chicago Bandits of the Women’s National Pro Fast Pitch League. After six weeks, he tore his ACL and, upon a doctor’s inspection, was thrown out of the league for being a dude. This isn’t really a horoscope. It’s just a really good story … that may or may not be true.

Capricorn (Dec. 23 – Jan. 19) You did turn the stove off, didn’t you? Please tell me you turned the stove off. Don’t kid with me. Do you know how dangerous that is? Great, now if the house doesn’t burn down, the gas bill is going to skyrocket. Can you do anything right, Capricorn?

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 19) Just read last week’s horoscope. Nothing ever changes for you, Aquarius. You are sedentary and bland.

Pisces (Feb. 20 – Mar. 20) There is a strong possibility that you will save an entire Peruvian village by staving off a stampeding pack of llamas with a pitchfork and a bucket. You will be celebrated in their village as “El Americano con el palillo grande,” or “The American with the big stick.”