Aries (March 21-April 20) Beware of Chuck Norris. There is a strong possibility that you will incur his wrath in the coming week.
Taurus (April 21-May 21) The stars say romance is in the cards. This week you will meet the girl of your dreams. Too bad her big Valentine’s Day surprise is that she turns out to be a dude.
Gemini (May 22-June 22) Lucky girl that you are, you will find romance this week. Unfortunately, that piece of trash Pisces will steal him away from you.
Cancer (June 23-July 23) George W. Bush, Sylvester Stallone and the Dalai Lama walk into a bar … no, it’s not a joke, they are all famous Cancers celebrating their July 6 birthdays; sadly, Bush buddy and huge Lama fan Huey Lewis (July 5) is not invited. You will tell a Capricorn this fact at a party, and he will throw a drink in your face and start a brawl.
Leo (July 24-Aug. 23) Stress will make you feel like someone is pulling out all of your hair. In all likelihood, it will probably be me. Remember to relax, though, the lab workers say they only need 2-3 hairs to run a blood test. A paternity test typically takes 48 hours to get all of the results. Keep Monday open, son. I may be kicking you out of the house.
Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23) If you were born Sept. 10, 1949: There’s a possibility that your Vermont ‘boycott’ will be called off due to lack of … fellow boycotters. A rough sketch of your week may go something like this: tell lie, get caught in lie, change story, attack “far left pinheads” for calling you on said lie, harass an intern, blow off steam with deviant falafel vendors, begin preparations for next week’s ill-fated boycott.
Libra (Sept.24-Oct. 23) If you are a sports fan, you will read a story about Jerome Bettis leading the Pittsburgh Steelers to the Super Bowl. If you are a fan of geography, you will read a story about how Jerome Bettis is from Detroit, home of Super Bowl XL. If you are an interior design aficionado, you will read a story about how Little Jerome had an Isaiah Thomas poster on his bedroom wall when he was young. If you enjoy 18th century Russian literature, you might read how Jerome Bettis really enjoyed reading “Anna Karenina” before playing in the Super Bowl in his native Detroit. If you enjoy being stranded on a desert island, ESPN will send you a message in a bottle informing you that, yes, Jerome Bettis is coming back to his hometown to play in the Super Bowl. If you like colonoscopies …
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 22) It’s quite possible that you are storing up for the Apocalypse – or you just really like buying canned tamales and Doritos in bulk. Either way, you are taking up way too much space in the cupboard. And don’t even get me started on the refrigerator, Ace.
Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22) It’s possible that Michael Bolton’s lawyers could contact you about a legal matter. Remember how much you love hearing about Bolton in your weekly horoscope. Tell them nothing. Yes, I’m talking to you Alethia.
Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 19) Something will compel you to bring a cup of piping hot coffee to a keg party. Try to resist this urge. It might be a good idea to wear running shoes as well.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 19) Just read last week’s horoscope. Nothing ever changes for you, Aquarius. You are sedentary and bland.
Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20) I don’t know how you always find yourself in these situations, Pisces, but word is spreading after last week’s adventure. Watch your back, an army of Haitian pirates is out for your blood. Stay safe.
