Aries (March 20 – April 20)

Your birthday looms near, Aries. Don’t trust Facebook to get your friends to RSVP to your oh-so-awesome party. They may click ‘Attending,’ but it’s only a cover for their vapid, self-absorbed lives. Tonight: Happy birthday!

Taurus (April 21- May 21)

Nobody’s going to help you, Taurus. Grab your own horns. Tonight: That pot of coffee doesn’t make itself.

Gemini (May 22- June 22)

Correct: “It’s too hard.” – “That’s what she said.” Incorrect: “Dude, I’m so wasted.” – “That’s what she said,” followed by a round of high fives to your bros. Tonight: NBC’s “The Office” re-airs in a few weeks. Take some notes, broseph.

Cancer (June 23- July 23)

For the benefit of everyone with whom you come into contact, please stop pulling from your encyclopedia of overused phrases. We can only take so much of “agree to disagree,” “don’t go there” and “it’s a free country.” Tonight: Read a book.

Leo (July 24- Aug. 23)

Planning a spring break road trip? The only trip you’ll be taking is to your bed. And your bathroom. Over and over again. Tonight: Who am I kidding. You’ll sleep when you’re dead.

Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept.23)

Your ability to purchase expensive concert tickets last week doesn’t change the fact you’re still listening to 311 after high school. Tonight: Time travel to 10 years from now and look back at your current self. Have a good cry.

Libra (Sept. 24- Oct. 23)

Eliot Spitzer, the now former governor of New York, shot down your dreams of prostitution becoming an American institution. Don’t worry – there’s still hope. Maybe his escort will write a memoir as amazing as “War and Peace.” That’ll show ’em. Tonight: Live the dream.

Scorpio (Oct. 24- Nov. 22)

Things aren’t looking so bad for you, Scorpio. We’re usually pretty negative at The Maroon. We’ll let you slide on this one. For now. Tonight: On second thought, you’re adopted, you failed that test, and your favorite “American Idol” will lose. Sorry, I couldn’t help myself.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23- Dec. 22)

Early registration begins soon, Sag. Forget about it until next semester. You’ll be fine. You’re a morning person, right? Tonight: How many times have you registered for The Emerging Self?

Capricorn (Dec. 23- Jan. 19)

So, like, in class today, some random person literally, like, raised their hand. Who does that? Tonight: OMG.

Aquarius (Jan. 20- Feb. 19)

Have you been keeping up with that whole Iraq thing? I heard a U.S. general retired. I know, right? He could’ve at least waited for those Dumbocrats to lose that whole election thing. Now we’re screwed. Oh well, see you at the Apocalypse. Tonight: Never forget.

Pisces (Feb. 20- March 20)

It’s allergy season for you, Pisces. Wipe those pollen-induced tears away. And stay away from cats. And outside. Just stop breathing – you’ll be fine. I promise. I write the horoscopes. I’m important. Tonight: Rub cat hair all over your face. Build your immunity.