ARIES (MARCH 21 – APRIL 20)The good news: midterms are over. The bad news: you went out every night and slept through all your exams. Tonight: Pick up job applications at McDonalds.
TAURUS (APRIL 21 – MAY 21) Tulane’s machines are down again and they aren’t accepting Wolfbucks. But you’re a Taurus – the bull. Tonight: Strap Coke cans on the soles of your shoes and tap dance in the French Quarter. A penny saved is a penny earned.
GEMINI (MAY 22 – JUNE 22)While you may have been born under the sign of the twins, that doesn’t mean that you should be having some in nine months. You’re as fertile as the Mississippi Delta. Tonight: No glove no love.
CANCER (JUNE 23 – JULY 23)You’re a cancer, meaning that you should already know about the damaging effects of UV rays. Tonight: A light tan is sexy. Melanoma is not.
LEO (JULY 24 – AUG. 23)Stop injecting Spanish into daily conversation. You think that it makes you appear intelligent and worldly, but instead makes us think you’re under the influence. Tonight: Bueno means good, not hello, as in “You are no bueno, Leo.”
VIRGO (AUG. 24 – SEPT. 23)You’re a Virgo. The gasp … virgin. For years you’ve maintained your V-card, but now you have your drink and your two-step. Tonight: You’re home. Get the Patron and tell them that it’s on.
LIBRA (SEPT. 24 – OCT. 23)With you God broke the mold, and with that little habit you have, you broke the scale. Tonight: With her new book, Jenny Craig poster girl Valerie Bertinelli can offer you more advice than I can.
SCORPIO (OCT. 24 – NOV. 22)While old blue eyes was king of the hill, you haven’t been able to make it since your high school’s play. Tonight: “Girls Gone Wild” is trolling for co-eds on Bourbon Street.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 23 – DEC. 22)While PETA and the panda bears appreciate your becoming vegan, the ghost of Dave Thomas has enlisted me to convince you to return to the dark side. Tonight: Where’s the beef?
CAPRICORN (DEC. 23 – JAN. 19)You, oh faithful Capricorn, have continued to sport that mullet since the 80s. Well, that hairspray is really doing a number on the environment. Tonight: Go down in a blaze of glory.
AQUARIUS (JAN. 20 – FEB. 19)Thank you for allowing me to stand under your umbrella, but it’s not raining. Tonight: You may be in magazines, but you’ll still be my star.
PISCES (FEB. 20 – MARCH 20)You are above the system. You don’t drink, smoke or watch “Project Runway.” You listen to soulful, impassioned music. You are the straight-edge guy, but that doesn’t make you boring because boy do you watch porn. Tonight: Watch “Debbie Does Dallas” while listening to Minor Threat.
