Let’s be honest, commencement is a long, arduous, sweaty and smelly process – seating is limited, parking is scarce, patience is thin and sanity takes a break for the weekend. Few things make the ceremony feel more like a slow death march than a bad graduation speaker.

Consider the implications of a bad commencement speaker. Here we are, impending graduates, faced with the reality that our college days are over. All we want to do is hear something to make us feel less nauseated during the ceremony. So what makes a good speaker?

Some people prefer speakers with a good head on their shoulders. Intellectuals like Jeopardy champion Ken Jennings could discuss just about any topic from 16th century Scandanavian footwear to his uncomfortable relationship with Jeopardy host Alex Trebek. Others prefer activists like Bono, who could really inform everyone about the horrors of famine and the wonders of wraparound sunglasses.

Lance Armstrong could talk about courage and determination, and everyone would appreciate the LiveStrong graduation bracelets.

Most people prefer a good laugh, however. Certainly Loyola could do well to bring in Will Ferrell or Jerry Seinfeld or Jon Stewart – all of whom have been commencement speakers before. Or we could bring in some fresh faces, people like Chris Rock or the staff of “The Onion.”

And for an inspiring speech, Stephen King could drop by and tell of the graduates’ impending deaths, as he’s done at graduations before.

While these choices might be pipe dreams, The Maroon hopes that the administration will choose an engaging, intelligent speaker.